undivided devotion

"What's next?" A question pressing unceasingly in the back of my busy mind. It is drenched deeply in more questions of "how" and "where," "why" and "with whom." But the biggest questions are: "What if?" "What if?" Fears: unfounded by who God is. By what he promises. He whispers, "Do not be afraid, my child. I will not leave your side. My arms will never unwrap from this loving embrace. As I lead, you can skip alongside me as a trusting child. You need not question where this path leads, merely enjoy skipping along with me. " I want to. I want to believe. I know that what you have for me is good. And not necessarily good in how this minuscule mind sees goodness. Your goodness is not how I see it. Your success is not how I view success. Your love is not even how I know it. I know that where you take me, there you will be. I know it. I know I need not fear. But in the meantime,

I've been doing a lot of reading about the Occupy Wall Street protests, and similarly, the ones that have spread throughout the country and the world. Egypt too is in violent clashes, angry citizens eager for their opinions to be heard and invoke actions to be carried their way. Unrest. An inability to rest. I have struggled over where I stand on these issues. Specifically the Occupy movement. The more I know, the more I understand about the government and economy, the less I am at ease. I begin to understand that there is more going on than my optimistic mind likes to think. The more I beg for Christ to come. These outcries may be legitimate, a desire for hope, a desire for pure motives and actions. But humanity cannot. Cannot be pure. Cannot be good in motive. Even within these good-intentioned protests, we find violence and sin, rape and murder. Perhaps what we cry out for is in fact, the existence of good. Of purity. Of hope. Of a release from evil. We all know that

I have been blessed today. You will not leave me alone. You keep pestering me, poking at those parts of me that I pretend are fine. You will not leave me. You will not let me remain where I am. You keep pushing me, a soft nudge here and there. You will not let me remain. You will fight for me. You ask me to take up my weapons, muster my strength, and stand at your side. You will fight. At times I find myself overjoyed at your goodness to me. How is it that I am yours? How is it that you care so deeply for my growth that you will not let me stay. You give me time. You give me space. And then, in your goodness, your prod me on. Pushing me to take the next courageous step into growth. You do it with grace. You do it with love. You do it with joy and kindness. You do not fight against me, wanting to see me struggle and fail. You will fight for me. I need only be still. - Ex. 14:14

I've recently been asking a lot of questions, stuck wondering about how the world is now and how it was created. I have been stuck staring gapingly at the way our culture functions, feeling like we are somehow missing something profound about how life is supposed to be. Life in the ancient world compared to life now in our modern Western culture could not be more drastically different. Our work, our money, our food, our time, our relationships, are they different? Or the same? I can't pinpoint it; I can't quite wrap my mind around even the questions that are sufacing. I don't have theological conviction, Scripture, or prayer to base my skepticism off of. I am fearful of becoming cynical and discontent, but I can't shake these questions. I don't know what's planting these queries in my mind, or why they have been so recently present. Is it because of all the questions of "calling" and my "future" that are uprooted during Missions Con

How do you go from knowing something, to living something? It seems that anytime I talk about something, I know the reality, I know the wise thing, the right thing, but when it comes down to it, I really am not that great at living it.  I keep hoping that I'll get it.  I keep hoping that what I know, what I hold to as conviction, is going to somehow embed itself into my thoughts and actions. How?  When?  Eeesh. How can truth seem so far from my ability to make it a reality? How do you take knowledge, understanding, wisdom even, and turn it into action, into feeling, into being? I cannot. I am unable. But, the Lord is able. And as much as it is difficult for me to feel that, even when my mind knows it is a truth, I need to cling to that truth. Hold to it. Fight for it.  "May the God of peace... equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him" - Hebrews 13:20-21.  I need his equipping power upon my li

It's Missions Conference. A week where information and experience, tradition and opinion are hurled passionately at me from people who  must  know better than me. Most people I have talked with would affirm that it can feel overwhelming. So much said, so much truth, so many new ideas and you can be left struggling for air. It's like eating rich, hearty meals every few hours for a couple days, when all you really want is a salad. I have been advised to take just one or two things away. To not try to soak up everything, but just cling to one or two things. Great advice. Hard to do. Calling, martyrdom, prayer, global awareness, hurting people, helpless children, social justice, the gospel. All these needs that are pressing, that as believers we are called to combat or engage. I should feel empowered, yet I'm left feeling guilty. Guilty that my perspective is so small, and my time so wasted. Guilty that my heart isn't more shattered or my calling  more clear. Gu

Blogging. I've tried it before, back in the days of my "rebellious" youth when I would sneak onto the parental-prohibited online world of Xanga to tell everyone (well, my few subscribers that I hoped were actually readers) about the dramatic day at school that I had experienced. Between anxious glances at the door to make sure Dad would not catch me, I would go into unnecessary detail, use no proper grammar or punctuation, and usually find my self yelling in all capital letters at some point in my hormone-driven, emotional online journal entry. Well, now that I have arrived at complete maturity and wisdom, I have decided to try my hand at the world of blogging once again. I feel slightly behind, as if perhaps I missed the blogging boat, but, hey why not swim my way up to everyone else and climb aboard now? I laugh at myself slightly, because honestly, this blogging will most likely be very similar in content to that of my original attempts. Yes, perhaps it will conta