undivided devotion

I have been blessed today. You will not leave me alone. You keep pestering me, poking at those parts of me that I pretend are fine. You will not leave me. You will not let me remain where I am. You keep pushing me, a soft nudge here and there. You will not let me remain. You will fight for me. You ask me to take up my weapons, muster my strength, and stand at your side. You will fight. At times I find myself overjoyed at your goodness to me. How is it that I am yours? How is it that you care so deeply for my growth that you will not let me stay. You give me time. You give me space. And then, in your goodness, your prod me on. Pushing me to take the next courageous step into growth. You do it with grace. You do it with love. You do it with joy and kindness. You do not fight against me, wanting to see me struggle and fail. You will fight for me. I need only be still. - Ex. 14:14

I've recently been asking a lot of questions, stuck wondering about how the world is now and how it was created. I have been stuck staring gapingly at the way our culture functions, feeling like we are somehow missing something profound about how life is supposed to be. Life in the ancient world compared to life now in our modern Western culture could not be more drastically different. Our work, our money, our food, our time, our relationships, are they different? Or the same? I can't pinpoint it; I can't quite wrap my mind around even the questions that are sufacing. I don't have theological conviction, Scripture, or prayer to base my skepticism off of. I am fearful of becoming cynical and discontent, but I can't shake these questions. I don't know what's planting these queries in my mind, or why they have been so recently present. Is it because of all the questions of "calling" and my "future" that are uprooted during Missions Con...

How do you go from knowing something, to living something? It seems that anytime I talk about something, I know the reality, I know the wise thing, the right thing, but when it comes down to it, I really am not that great at living it.  I keep hoping that I'll get it.  I keep hoping that what I know, what I hold to as conviction, is going to somehow embed itself into my thoughts and actions. How?  When?  Eeesh. How can truth seem so far from my ability to make it a reality? How do you take knowledge, understanding, wisdom even, and turn it into action, into feeling, into being? I cannot. I am unable. But, the Lord is able. And as much as it is difficult for me to feel that, even when my mind knows it is a truth, I need to cling to that truth. Hold to it. Fight for it.  "May the God of peace... equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him" - Hebrews 13:20-21.  I need his equipping p...

It's Missions Conference. A week where information and experience, tradition and opinion are hurled passionately at me from people who  must  know better than me. Most people I have talked with would affirm that it can feel overwhelming. So much said, so much truth, so many new ideas and you can be left struggling for air. It's like eating rich, hearty meals every few hours for a couple days, when all you really want is a salad. I have been advised to take just one or two things away. To not try to soak up everything, but just cling to one or two things. Great advice. Hard to do. Calling, martyrdom, prayer, global awareness, hurting people, helpless children, social justice, the gospel. All these needs that are pressing, that as believers we are called to combat or engage. I should feel empowered, yet I'm left feeling guilty. Guilty that my perspective is so small, and my time so wasted. Guilty that my heart isn't more shattered or my calling  more clear. Gu...