Our Second Child.

There is no way to talk about the joy of our second baby on the way without explaining a little more of the events leading up to this pregnancy.

I begin this post with deep love and prayer, knowing our joy has the potential to bring pain to those who are not in the same place of joy. I write this with a new level of sensitivity, knowing that pregnancy announcements can bring up a myriad of emotions. To those who are longing for their own pregnancy or missing little ones they had to say goodbye to, I write this with all the love that I can. I do not know why God allows us to go through those pains or feel those longings; or why it is so different for each of us.

But, this is the story God is writing for us; and we will speak it openly with joy, for he deserves all the praise for this sweet story. 

As you most likely know, our daughter Avery was stillborn on August 21, 2018, when I was 29 weeks pregnant. The loss of her life was, and is, the most painful thing I've walked through up to this point in my life. 

After we lost her, I searched for the reasons why. Why did I have a placental abruption, when there seemed to be no plausible reason? We were some of the fortunate few that found a likely cause. 

I found out that I have a genetic mutation called Factor V Leiden that can increase the risk of blood clots. The risk is especially high with hormonal variances, such as birth control, or, in my case pregnancy. Most likely, I had a blood clot that shot the placenta off the wall of the uterus, causing the placental abruption. 

As you can imagine, this knowledge is bittersweet. It is a relief knowing there seemed to be a cause, that it likely was not a random phenomenon. It is a known, relatively common blood clotting disorder, and there are quite effective medications that will likely allow us to have healthy full-length pregnancies in the future. This took away a very large part of the fears of "trying again." 

But, it was also a heavy grief. Of the realization that, had we known, we could've possibly prevented her death. but they don't commonly test for this. Unless you've had a blood clot, there's no reason they would test for it. I'm still working through this part, feeling anger in that reality. 

Well, while we were not trying to get pregnant, on November 6, Avery's due date, Karl and I felt led to "let happen what will happen." The Lord decided that that one time was enough, and sure enough, we are pregnant again... two and a half months after we had to say goodbye to Avery. 

It has been a roller coaster of emotion. 

Fear, joy, apprehension, guilt, excitement, self-consciousness, pride, sadness, hope. 

But, ultimately the Lord has continued to give us an inexplicable amount of HOPE. Hope that, since he clearly made this happen again so quickly, that he has a plan in it. Through processing, counseling, and time, we have been able to FULLY hope. To give this baby girl the proper amount of planning and excitement and joy that she deserves, regardless of what may come. To allow us to put aside our own fears (for the most part) and desires to protect our own hearts and to love her with ALL that she deserves, as her own person, our second child, a new baby created by our Creator. 

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant, doing daily injections of blood thinners, and everything is looking  great with the pregnancy. Baby is doing wonderfully. 

But, we do not know what lies ahead. 

We know there is no guarantee, at any point. While that is bitter, it is truth. 

I am constantly convicted that our call to love is to love FULLY. Regardless of the potential for our own pain. For this is the love Christ has for us. So, we risk our hearts again, eager to love our little girl as Christ loves us. 

Today, we thank our Lord for each sweet day we've had with her so far. For the joy she's already brought and everything she's already teaching us. For her active kicks and her beautiful little person. We pray for her health and mine, as God wills it. 

We choose to trust. Because we know, regardless of what happens, He CAN. He can bring this child into the world healthy and alive. 

We ask for your prayers as well, that Lord willing, we can bring home this sweet girl come July. Ultimately, we pray that God is glorified through her life, and through her story, whatever that may be.