This summer has been hard; I will admit it.
It is interesting to think back to the spring and hear what I was saying then, "I just want to exist this summer, to be." My desire was to not be bound by school schedules or demanding jobs, but to merely exist as a person.
Well, that's what I did. And, to be honest, I did not handle it well.
I moved home for the first time in three years. I live in my childhood room and sleep in my childhood bed. I work a few hours a week in a job that is nowhere close to what my degree was in. All of this is fine, it's a blessing, it is necessary. My days consist of not much. They are not that productive, or even measurable. I do not have a job, apartment, car, ministry, or relationship to impress people with.
And I have not handled it well.
Until recently, I did not realize how much of my evaluation of myself is measured by these things. In school, I always had the fact that I was going to Bible school as my go-to to impress others, or without realizing it, even in my mind, to impress the Lord. Or, I had my ministry/job at school. Or I had my friends. I have bound my significance up in these things. I found my significance in the fact that I lived on my own (granted, in a cushion-y dorm where everything is provided for), in a big city, doing "impressive" things in the name of ministry.
So, now, here I am, existing. My significance is no longer found in an impressive education, job, ministry, or how I spend my Friday nights. I have spent a large amount of the summer being frustrated by this, unwittingly believing that I deserve all of those impressive things. That because I want to serve the Lord, I deserve a job that people will say "wow" to, or to live in a place that's all my own and where my mom is not cooking my meals.
I am merely existing now. But, what I think I knew a few months ago, was that existing as only an individual, as a child of God, is supposed to give me the significance that I have bound up in other things. Yet, when in the midst of it, I was not satisfied by my identity in solely my Savior; existing as one redeemed was not enough for me. I do not mean that we are merely supposed to let our days pass without ever working or serving others. But, I do mean, that each day, regardless of how "impressive" our lives are to those around us, I need to be faithful to work hard serving the Lord in my work, in the relationships he has given me, and in whatever opportunity he gives me. Not that I need to have a checklist of productivity to prove that I have been serving the Lord, but that in my merely existing, have my mind intent on loving God and loving others. I think I may have wasted a few months, stomping my feet in dissatisfaction and entitlement. Kind of like a child who has the opportunity to go the park down the street, but instead stubbornly sits inside by herself because she was intent on going to the zoo instead.
Yet, while perhaps I have not handled this existing season of my life well, I have seen the Lord still be gracious to me. Not in the ways I may have been looking for, or believing I deserve, but in his patient small blessings, and calm presence. He is like a Father watching his child sit stubbornly stewing, and sitting silently beside her, waits until the fit has passed before gently urging her to join the group at the park. He understands the disappointment, and does not condemn it.
I do desire to serve the Lord, but that does not mean that there is a guarantee that I end up in the life-giving community I dream of, or a job that utilizes every one of my gifts and passions and at the same time makes me jump out of bed in eagerness every morning. While, these are legitimate desires, they are not rights. It is okay for me to push toward these things, but I also need to be present where the Lord has me, and live in his grace each day. And this is not easy. I am not a patient person. But, he will take me where he wants me, and I am undeserving to be there.
Lord, grant me a heart of gratefulness.
It is interesting to think back to the spring and hear what I was saying then, "I just want to exist this summer, to be." My desire was to not be bound by school schedules or demanding jobs, but to merely exist as a person.
Well, that's what I did. And, to be honest, I did not handle it well.
I moved home for the first time in three years. I live in my childhood room and sleep in my childhood bed. I work a few hours a week in a job that is nowhere close to what my degree was in. All of this is fine, it's a blessing, it is necessary. My days consist of not much. They are not that productive, or even measurable. I do not have a job, apartment, car, ministry, or relationship to impress people with.
And I have not handled it well.
Until recently, I did not realize how much of my evaluation of myself is measured by these things. In school, I always had the fact that I was going to Bible school as my go-to to impress others, or without realizing it, even in my mind, to impress the Lord. Or, I had my ministry/job at school. Or I had my friends. I have bound my significance up in these things. I found my significance in the fact that I lived on my own (granted, in a cushion-y dorm where everything is provided for), in a big city, doing "impressive" things in the name of ministry.
So, now, here I am, existing. My significance is no longer found in an impressive education, job, ministry, or how I spend my Friday nights. I have spent a large amount of the summer being frustrated by this, unwittingly believing that I deserve all of those impressive things. That because I want to serve the Lord, I deserve a job that people will say "wow" to, or to live in a place that's all my own and where my mom is not cooking my meals.
I am merely existing now. But, what I think I knew a few months ago, was that existing as only an individual, as a child of God, is supposed to give me the significance that I have bound up in other things. Yet, when in the midst of it, I was not satisfied by my identity in solely my Savior; existing as one redeemed was not enough for me. I do not mean that we are merely supposed to let our days pass without ever working or serving others. But, I do mean, that each day, regardless of how "impressive" our lives are to those around us, I need to be faithful to work hard serving the Lord in my work, in the relationships he has given me, and in whatever opportunity he gives me. Not that I need to have a checklist of productivity to prove that I have been serving the Lord, but that in my merely existing, have my mind intent on loving God and loving others. I think I may have wasted a few months, stomping my feet in dissatisfaction and entitlement. Kind of like a child who has the opportunity to go the park down the street, but instead stubbornly sits inside by herself because she was intent on going to the zoo instead.
Yet, while perhaps I have not handled this existing season of my life well, I have seen the Lord still be gracious to me. Not in the ways I may have been looking for, or believing I deserve, but in his patient small blessings, and calm presence. He is like a Father watching his child sit stubbornly stewing, and sitting silently beside her, waits until the fit has passed before gently urging her to join the group at the park. He understands the disappointment, and does not condemn it.
I do desire to serve the Lord, but that does not mean that there is a guarantee that I end up in the life-giving community I dream of, or a job that utilizes every one of my gifts and passions and at the same time makes me jump out of bed in eagerness every morning. While, these are legitimate desires, they are not rights. It is okay for me to push toward these things, but I also need to be present where the Lord has me, and live in his grace each day. And this is not easy. I am not a patient person. But, he will take me where he wants me, and I am undeserving to be there.
Lord, grant me a heart of gratefulness.
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